By: Zach Miller

Sometimes, it’s necessary to remind people to avoid certain “don’t go there” conversational topics. After all, no one really wants to hear your take on national politics or the pros and cons of religious belief at tonight’s dinner party. But there’s one topic that’s so taboo that no one needs to be reminded to sidestep it: death. As bestselling author Dr. Venus Nicolino points out, people not only dodge talking about shuffling off this mortal coil, but they’re also pretty good at blanking it out of their own minds.

“Nobody likes to think about death. It’s a real bummer, and it’s full of dread,” said Nicolino in a video on her popular TikTok channel. “So, we have a tendency to distract ourselves with other things so we don’t ponder the inevitable, so we don’t worry about the finality of it all. It’s just too scary; it’s too depressing.”

Los Angeles-based Dr. Venus Nicolino, known for her insightful and irreverent style, typically focuses on relationship advice. You can read her counsel on a whole host of topics in her book, Bad Advice: How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bulls–t. You can listen to her discuss a laundry list of life’s issues on her “The Tea With Dr. V” podcast or watch her videos on her TikTok channel. She’s done the work to speak on all these issues, with years of experience after earning a master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and a master’s and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology.

On the topic of death, Dr. V thinks it’s helpful to think about it in terms of lost time — in a way, a day that has passed dies just like a person. It’s gone forever, part of the past. She says thinking about death in those terms, rather than pursuing things that take our mind off death, teaches us we are actually dealing with death every day and we’re doing just fine. 

Ending our dread of death can also help us focus on the moment and stop worrying about an unknown date in the future. 

“Today is enough to think about. Once it becomes yesterday, death has claimed another 24 hours from us. So, take heart in knowing that we can handle anything because we deal with death every day,” Nicolino said on TikTok. “Plus, knowing that each day is just as mortal as humans should prompt us to check our priorities to see if we are distracting ourselves with the trivial or seeking the meaningful.”

People Would Rather Talk About Anything Other Than Death

As Dr. Venus Nicolino points out, people shun the topic of their own mortality. A recent survey by term life insurance provider Ethos clearly shows that people would rather talk about pretty much anything else. The survey listed a series of traditionally taboo topics and asked Americans their willingness to discuss them. Death ranked dead last. People said they’d rather talk about money, mental health, sex, politics, and religion.

Nicolino believes people can help dispel their fear of death by focusing on the moment rather than the past or future. This not only helps them focus on creating a substantial life; it also helps them avoid wasting time with trivialities — or unhealthy habits — that distract them from the inevitable.

“When you feel like what you do matters, and when what you do connects you to others in a meaningful way, other people feel that, too,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said. “Ask yourself how you want to give back in life, and your focus will shift from what you want to take from the world to what you have to offer it.”

Venus Nicolino Encourages People to Focus on the Now

In her TikTok video on death, Nicolino starts by discussing people’s fear of death and then offers a way to consider it differently. She believes that once we realize that it’s a waste of time to focus on some future time when our lives will end, we free ourselves to instead concentrate on what we’re doing right now.

“That’s what should be on our minds more than days far into the future at the end of our life,” Nicolino explained.

Focusing on the “now” is where things get interesting, Dr. V added. In another TikTok video, she recounts that she has a friend who is fascinated by death, time, and endings. “He loves this old saying: ‘The only thing separating us from death is one moment — an ordinary moment, just like this one,’” Dr. V said in the video. “And I’m like, dude, you’ve got to lighten up.”

She developed another way of looking at the “one ordinary moment” theory on which her friend fixates. Rather than worrying about some moment in the far future that heralds your death, think of how one ordinary moment right now separates you from living a more fascinating and substantial life.

“How many ordinary encounters at a coffee shop led to a first date, which then led to a lifelong romance full of love, adventure, and a little ball of hope that wears diapers and carries the family DNA into the future?” Dr. Venus Nicolino asked. 

“Those moments may just ‘happen,’ but you’ve got to talk to the person. You’ve got to talk to them to make sure that the odds are in your favor. Sometimes, the only thing between you and your soulmate is an ordinary hello.” 

She pointed out that just one moment can also allow you to heal an old relationship. It can also lead to answering the big questions about what kind of person you are — a teacher, for example, or an artist, storyteller, healer, builder, or planner. 

Figuring yourself out can help you lead a life of purpose. And it certainly beats dwelling on death. 

“You can reinvent part of your life without waiting for some exceptional moment in time. A major change will take more than a moment, but in one ordinary moment, you can choose a new direction and head that way,” Dr. Venus Nicolino advised.

“Pick one area of your life that feels lacking or unfulfilling, then take a moment — any moment will do — and take a step toward truly living.”

Published by: Khy Talara